Screwdrivers Murder!!! » Gilbert Watch

by Roy Carnine
retired trial attorney
Mount Vernon, Illinois
(Anita Christy’s brother)

Shame on the main stream media (i.e., Committing Broadcast Scare aka CBS, National Bull Crap aka NBC and About Bull Crap aka ABC) ) and our elected representatives for not bringing to the nation’s attention frightening facts concerning screwdrivers!

While firearms are number 1 in The 10 Most Common Murder Weapons In The United States, screwdrivers are included in the number 2 position. And, in other western countries, like Canada, death by knives and cutting instruments (including screwdrivers) are the most prominent weapons used to murder. See Knives Most Common Weapon in Violent Crime and Homicide in Canada: 2015.

Ordinary screwdrivers have long been used as deadly weapons. It’s not just limited to lethal Phillips screwdrivers, but also the Slotted kind. See Killings Turn Screwdriver Into Unlikely Tool of Death; The Screwdriver; Life sentence for murder by screwdriver; Cody man held in wife’s slaying, charged with first degree murder by screwdriver; Boy charged over screwdriver death; Man charged with stabbing his parents to death in Eden Prairie home with screwdriver; Charges filed in Des Plaines screwdriver stabbing murder; Man who stabbed wife with screwdriver at hospital pleads guilty to murder

A Google search for "stabbed with screwdriver" revealed 343,000 results; "murdered with screwdriver," 329,000 hits; and "screwdriver used to commit murder," 648,000 results. Isn’t it time for the government to implement strict "screwdriver control"?

God’s 6th Commandment, "Thou shalt not murder," is apparently too confusing. The legislative pen passing thousands of pages of laws, rules, and regulations, (and the hundreds/thousands of government employees to implement them) would surely stop screwdrivers from murdering. Don’t you think?

Although, can screwdrivers read? While there are countless laws against intimidation, assault, battery, robbery, theft, burglary, drugs, and murder (none of which have put the government attorneys out of business), surely more and stricter laws, rules, and regulations directed against screwdrivers would reduce or even eliminate these senseless killings. Don’t you think?

Stricter laws would certainly limit or prevent access to those dangerous instruments by law abiding citizens and would surely eliminate any black marketing, thereby keeping them out of the hands of criminals….and probably stop all murders by screwdriver. Too bad "Thou shalt not murder" is so unclear and confusing requiring pages and pages of congressional laws, rules, and regulations.

More is better…..right? More laws…..no crimes.

Consider how effective the government’s war on drugs has been/is!

Consider the large U.S. cities where weapons have all but been completely outlawed. The murder rates there–in Chicago, Baltimore, St. Louis, Detroit, New Orleans, for instance–have been reduced if not completely eliminated ……….(Oops, never mind.) See The Most Dangerous Cities in America and 5 biggest murder capitals in the U.S.

Surely there will be a point when screwdrivers are regulated enough or even completely outlawed that criminals will stop using them to murder, and law abiding citizens will not need to stock up on them for protection. Who needs a screwdriver for protection anyway? A 911 call can get law enforcement to your home within 10-30 minutes. Just have a nice visit with the intruder until the police arrive. Fix him some tea and crumpets. Ask him how he feels and what caused him to break into your house. Sing kum ba yah with him until the police arrive. Maybe he needs counseling. It’s probably not his fault he acts this way. Pour out your "bleeding heart" to him before he cuts it out with a screwdriver!

But I digress:

The legislature might consider the following concerning future committee hearings on screwdriver control:

1) In order to purchase, carry, or transport a screwdriver (whether it be Phillips or Slotted) an application with a recent photo must be submitted to the State Police. Qualified applicants will be issued a Screwdriver Identification Limited Licensed Yahoo card. The SILLY card must be carried at all times with any screwdriver. Transportation of any screwdriver must be by a valid SILLY card holder, and the screwdriver must be placed in a locked case, box, or other container.

2) Presently all types and sizes of screwdrivers are available. Separate laws, rules, and regulations for the varying types, kinds, and sizes of screwdrivers must be considered. Automatic and battery operated screwdrivers, for obvious reasons, should be outlawed completely! All others must be constructed to be broken down into 2 separate parts for transportation; shaft from handle. When not being used in a legally acceptable manner (what is "legally acceptable" will be codified in separate laws, rules, and regulations), it must be kept under lock and key.

3) A government buy-back program would certainly get screwdrivers off the streets, out of stores and homes and away from carpenters, contractors, plumbers, etc., until such time as they are issued a SILLY card. After all, consider the success of other government buy-back programs.

4) All businesses presently selling screwdrivers must immediately turn them over to the newly renamed ATF&S (Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Screwdrivers). No confiscation without reasonable compensation. We can trust the government to follow the letter of the Constitution…..right?

5) If "big brother" or "daddy" government attempts a gathering and burning of screwdrivers, someone may have to explain that screwdriver shafts are mostly metal and not subject to burning easily. Although, if the fire is hot enough, the metal could be used to make more of the highly efficient wind turbines that beautify the country side.

Of course, many more government workers will be needed to write and implement all the new laws, etc., to regulate and/or eliminate this screwdriver scourge.

Very likely the government will outlaw and subsidize at the same time. Remember the tobacco industry?

I am not completely naive. Any attempt to regulate screwdrivers will undoubtedly prompt the creation of organizations by screwdriver advocates. One such organization may be the NSA (National Screwdriver Association) or the STS (Save The Screwer). Each right wing, Bible thumping member will undoubtedly be shouting from the rooftops, "AH GOT MA RIGHTS!" in an attempt to deregulate screwdrivers. I anticipate hundreds of thousands of dues paying members in such organizations. And, finally, the lobbyists with truck loads of dues money and perks for and against screws and drivers. We have the best elected representatives money can buy!

Hmmmmm…….? You think, maybe, once again, the only winners here would be the elected fat cats who’ll undoubtedly collect money from both sides of this issue?

What do you think?